Mine Always & Never
by SimpleHybrid
Summary: Leah hasn't seen Jake in 3 years. Tonight is the last night she will ever see him again. LEMON!
1. Truths,Silence,and its Just Not Enough

Mine. Always and Never.

A/N- I do not own Twilight. Nor do I own Sin City. Please don't sue me! Read And Review! Thanks!

_**My warrior woman. My Valkyrie. You'll always be mine, always and never. Never. The Fire, baby. It'll burn us both. It'll kill us both. There's no place in this world for our kind of fire. Always and never. **_

Leah's POV

I sit on the edge of the bed waiting for you to text me the address. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but if you didn't care then why should I?

It had been 3 years since I had seen you. Felt you. Tasted you. As casual as we pretended to make this seem, we both knew the purpose of this sudden contact.

There was a need for closeness that only the other knew how to fill. A primal side that is only unleashed when that certain person draws it out of you. With me you never had to be careful. You could hurt me and I could pretend like I didn't care. I was good at that.

There would be no one to stop us because no one would ever know. I slip out of the house after he leaves. There is no need for false excuses.

I get in my car and drive the 45 minutes to the little motel just outside of nowhere and find the room quickly. I called as I parked so there would be no need for me to knock. I knew you would smell me before you saw me anyway.

You greet me at the door.

You hug me like you missed me and the in truth I know you have. I have missed you too. But I will never say it. She has you, but she isn't me. She is just your soul mate. The one you returned to after our bitter and painful goodbye. That was the goodbye that left you fighting her wars and me fighting the urge to run back to you. I never could.

3 years.

Sure, I have found love again, but it's not like him. His kisses aren't as urgent and while the love making is good it's not at the levels that leave the wolf inside me satisfied. He isn't you and deep down I think he knows it. He will never be my Alpha.

There are no lights on except for the bathroom. I momentarily think you can't find it in yourself to look at me.

"Leah." He whisper my name and I swear it's like I'm hearing it for the first time.

"Jake." I return your name as hushed as he says mine.

I walk into room and pretend to take no notice of her scent on him. I sit at the table and grab one of the room temperature beers that is sitting there.

"You need alcohol just to get through seeing me Jake?" I say only slightly amused.

"No, I just thought that it would make you more comfortable." That's Jacob. Always looking out for his Beta.

I figure now is as good a time as any to see where his head is.

"So why now? It's been 3 years? I asked candidly. I was never anything less than bold, no reason to be shy now.

I watch as he runs his fingers through his hair as he searches for the right words to say.

"I guess I wanted to know why you left. Why you never called. I just want to know why you left…me."

"You know why Jake. There are too many ghosts in La Push. Too many reasons not to stay. I needed to leave Jake. You have Ness, I hardly doubt you missed me at all." I knew those words were lies the second I said them.

The mention of her name starts to put that crack back in my heart that I had thought long since healed. God I have never been more wrong.

"I heard you found someone." Was he fishing for an answer? Was that genuine pain I briefly saw flash across his face?

"Yeah. His name is Derek. He isn't so bad." I say truthfully enough.

"Do you love him?"

"I love him enough to stay with him." He winces at my words.

"Its not like I have any other options Jake." My truthfulness is starting to flow easily now. It had always been easy to talk to Jacob. Word Vomit.

"Leah, let's not talk about this. Can't we just be two friends catching up? You know I can't help what happened."

I knew he meant those words. I guess the idea of a secret rendezvous got the better of me. With my luck I should have known better. Leah Clearwater never gets what she wants. My own thoughts forming against me to set me up to fall.

"Well, Jake I am alive. You are alive. My life doesn't suck as much anymore and I'm pretty sure that I am relatively somewhat happy." I stood to leave. "It was great seeing you again Jake. Hit me up in another 3 years."

I reached the door slower than I wanted to. I guess part of me wanted him to stop me.

Right on cue, he did.

The searing heat that was surging through me took me back to the only time we had made love. Before her. Before I left in the middle of the night without warning or a clue to where I was going.

My breath hitched.

"Leah, please don't leave me again." He was pleading with me.

"I have to Jake, there is nothing left for me here."

"Leah, LOOK AT ME!"

"I can't. Please just let me go. This was a bad idea."

"Leah, I LOVE.."

"Don't. Just don't. You may love me Jacob but it's not as much as her. It's not enough."

I had gotten over crying over this fact a long time ago. Just another thing I had been trying to forget.

"I know that." That hurt more than I thought it would, "but just for tonight let me pretend that I do. I haven't forgotten about that day either Leah. How beautiful you were. How beautiful you still are." His voice was barely above a whisper now.

"Tonight and never again. After this you let me go Jacob. Don't try to find me. Just let me go."

His lips were on mine once I finished. Every fiber in my being screamed and burned for him. It was the hope of this touch against my skin again that kept me going all these years.

There was no need to be gentle. Super human strength and healing powers had their advantages.

"Mine. Always and never." He whispered

He reached for me and tore my shirt down the middle. Taking me in his arms, he threw me on the bed. His mouth exploring every inch of me he could find. Ripping and pulling my clothing like it was offensive to our current situation.

My mind drifted to the Lauryn Hill song I had heard on the way over.. "_When it hurts so bad, when its hurts so baaad. Why's it feel so good?"_

He was hurting me. We both knew it but right now it felt to good to stop. I need to feel something. Anything.

We didn't speak.

I let him have me.

I let him move his hand over my body and leave fiery trails in his the wake of his fingertips.

I let him lick, suck and kiss every part of me he could reach until my legs shook and I was panting for him to be inside me.

I'm lying here.

Naked.

Exposed.

He is staring at me as if he taking all of me in.

Absorbing me with those beautiful brown eyes.

"Leah…"

"Jake, don't say anything. It hurts too much."

He kisses me again.

Sweetly this time.

I can't handle sweet. I want my body to feel as bruised and broken as my heart does right now.

He catches my need for pain and draws from his own.

His fingers ram into me harshly. There are no sweet words of readiness or warning.

I feel his body tense up as its pulling back to her.

I don't care.

In this moment he is mine. She cannot have him.

HE tickles my walls with his large fingers, massaging the most sensitive part of me.

The thrusting motions his hands and my soaking core makes a gushy, sucking like sound. I'm soaked.

The spot on the sheets underneath me tell my story.

My body reacts. My back lifting off the bed and arches into you.

He feels like home.

He licks his fingers; engraining my taste to memory.

He takes off what is left of his clothes and joins me on the bed.

I want to move but I can't. I'm too high of his scent and my first orgasm.

I burn his body into my brain.

Beautiful Jacob with his handsome face, his perfect smile, and the body and soul of a warrior. A true Alpha Male.

Mine. Always and never. The fire would burn us both.

He crashes into me.

Pounding away the hurt, the loss, and the frustration of never having me again. He grabs me so hard I know there will be bruises. I can hide those easy enough. They will heal faster than my heart will anyway.

I'm crying now.

But only on the inside.

I cry for the pleasure of it all and the pain that will soon follow.

Crying for the face I have to put on when I return to Derek.

Crying because as soon as this is over, he will go home to her and make love to her like she is the only one who matters to him.

In life's own little fucked up way, she is.

I'm falling.

I dig my nails into him drawing blood.

Wanting him to hurt as much physically as I do emotionally.

They will heal quickly but I will make new ones.

He starts to speak "Shhh. Don't." I'm begging him not to talk.

His words have too much power over me but I know all confessions of love are in vain.

His thrusts become harder now.

Both of our bodies beg for release.

We fall over together. Riding out the waves of our orgasms until the last sparks fade and we are left breathless.

This is not the time for cuddling and the after sex sighs and glowing.

You keep your promise not to speak as I get dressed in what is left of my clothes and make my way towards the door.

I fight the urge to look back.

I'm finally leaving you in my past.

I close the door.

I hear a muffled cry.

"I love you Leah. I'm so sorry."

"I just wish it was enough Jake."

If I hurry I can take a shower and make dinner before Derek gets home.


	2. Lies, Goodbyes, and How the Story Ends

**Lies, Goodbyes, and How the Story Ends.**

**A/N- I wrote this because I felt that Leah deserved an ending. Not necessarily a happy ending but a least some form of one, since Stephanie Meyers refused to give her one at all. I own nothing. She owns it all. **

**_ There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy._**

**_ Jean Anouilh_**

* * *

**Leah's POV**

I don't remember much of the ride home after leaving Jacob. I don't remember washing my body of his scent even though I knew Derek would never be able to tell. I don't remember making dinner or the kiss he gave me while he pushed me out of our small kitchen as he washed the dishes. I do remember what happened that night in our small but cozy bedroom. I remember Derek reaching for me and the way he smelt of fresh water and mint scented soap. How crisp his movements were when he pulled my legs to the edge of the bed and slowing began his accent up my body. The touches that made me shudder not from pleasure, but from guilt. I had always been good at hiding my feelings and from what he could tell he had touched me in a way I found comforting and erotic. He never noticed my wheels turning and grinding as I compared him to the man that would always hold the number one place in my heart. But what he did notice were my tears. He noticed how our room was so silent the sounds of those tears hitting our pillow could be heard. He stopped his feather light caresses and sweet kisses and pulled me to him. It was then that I felt my heart break for the second time that night.

That was the beginning to how I told the biggest lie of my life. To this man I was all that mattered in the world. I was his angel. I knew this because

he had told me so many countless times before. What sickened me most was that this man, that worked so hard to build me up, that never let me slip, fall or stumble without being there to catch me, who never once mistreated me or had given me a reason to doubt his love for me, was not the man I wanted. Derek was perfect in all the ways that a man can be perfect. Thoughtful, loving, kind, but above all he was patient. Never once can I recall a time in this glass house of a relationship where he had forced even an idea on me. It was always "what can I do to make her smile?" He was always there to fix whatever needed to be fixed. Even when that meant picking up a then heart- broken 21 year old girl off the side of the road and taking her to a diner and filing her broken spirit and body with a hot meal and non-prying conversations. These conversations lead to friendship and then on to a type of love that was often warped and one sided. He was the type of man that picks up your favorite candy bar at the gas station when he goes to fill up your gas tank. The kind of man that never let you walk on the side of the street nearest traffic. Who always kept a protective hand on the small of your back when returning to the car after a late movie in an empty and dark parking lot. In so many ways he was everything I needed, but in the one way that mattered he could never be perfect. He wasn't and could never be Jacob. None of that mattered anymore. If I had to live in a sort of false perfection in order to achieve my happy ending then I had to suffer knowing that this man, though not the one I wanted, was the one I had chosen to let love me and stand in as a surrogate for one, Jacob Ephraim Black. That night instead of following through his original plan to make love to me he held me close to the steady rhythm of his heart and held me as I cried myself to sleep.

**_XXXXXXXXX 2 Months Later XXXXXXX_**

Though all of the love that I had for Jacob still existed, for the fate of myself and for Derek, I had to pretend like none of it mattered. In two days Leah Clearwater would no longer exist. Instead, Leah Cartier would take her place. I hadn't lied when I told Jacob I had found someone and while I wasn't joyous in the love I had, life had left me no other options, and I had chosen to live my life in exile of my pack, family and home, I was indeed relatively happy. Relatively being a word that traveled with its own list of semantics. I turned my head on Derek's shoulder and eyed my wedding dress hanging on the back of my door, next to his freshly pressed suit and tie. His shoes neatly polished next to my modest and comfortable blue heels. I would take vows to love this man, forsake all others and cherish him as my husband. In the haze of my own need to be forever masochistic, I removed myself from the warm heat of my "husband" and felt him stir answering his question of where was I going with a simple, "Kitchen." Pouring a small glass of the Merlot from dinner, I reach for the phone to make the call I had been planning in the final days leading up to the wedding. I dial the number and on the third ring, he answers. I don't speak for a moment allowing the wine to give me strength and letting the depth of his voice wash over me.

"Say it for me Jake."

I listen as he moves away from her and takes his leave of their bed and travels to the most probable place of all desperate and final conversations, his own kitchen. The chair moves softly from its resting place and I hear him sigh the words that are to seal my fate on the life I have chosen.

"I love you Leah. You will always be mine. Always and Never."

"I'm getting married Jake. Thursday."

He begins to speak when he stops himself. I know what he wants to say. To say again how he loves me and to try and stop me from the perpetual limbo of a life that I will be placed in, but he doesn't. He would not doom me to the fate of being his mistress.

"I'm happy for you Lee. You deserve to be happy. I'm sorry."

I know why he is apologizing. He knows what I have delivered myself into but will never stop me because this is the only way. He can never be mine. I will never be his. And while he holds my battered heart in his hands, she will always be his salvation.

The thing that he doesn't know is there is a child growing inside of me. I had given up my wolf in an attempt to leave the part of me that would be forever connected to him behind. Derek and I had conceived the child I have craved for. In this child would lay my salvation. My saving grace of all past transgressions.

"Me too Jake. Me too."

His voice cracks and I hear as his throat tighten as his says two words that forever close the book on what was and never will be the Jacob and Leah story.

"Be Happy."

Knowing full well that I can't promise that, I say the only thing I can say,

"Goodbye Jake."

Pouring what remains of my wine down the sink I return to Derek. Eyes dry, but head and heart low, I slide into bed and close my eyes.

**_XXXXXXXXXXX The Wedding XXXXXXXX_**

**No Ones POV**

It had been decided that after the news of the baby, Leah would make contact with her family back in La Push. It had also been decided, by non-other that Sue Clearwater, that the wedding would be held in La Push in the same small church where she and Harry were married.

Preparing herself in the bridal suite, Leah sat applying the finishing touches of the small amount of make-up that she never really needed, in the vanity mirror while her mother, after telling her how beautiful she looked and how happy she was for her for the millionth time that day went to get Seth so that he could walk her down the aisle. There were no bridesmaids or groomsmen so the ceremony would be short and simple. Just like she wanted. She took a breath as her not so little brother knocked on the door signaling that it was time to start. He kisses her and although he can see in her eyes the slight lack of luster that she once had, he smiles at her anyway and kisses her again. This kiss is of a brother that understands that this is her one shot at some form of normalcy and happiness. He would never judge his sister for playing the hand that life dealt her, but he would on occasion let his heart bleed for all the things that she lost in this process.

The exchange of hands is made as Leah reaches the end of the aisle and Seth places her hand in Derek's. Derek pulls her ring out of his pocket and while taking his vows with all seriousness, devotion, and no hesitations, places the small gold band on her finger. She in turn does the same, but her voice waivers at the part where she promises to forsake all others and love only him. She had lied. In front of God and all her family she lied. But it was for the greater good of herself and her child that she did it. She had too. She then places the ring on Derek's finger and the rows of people clap loudly as they are pronounced husband and wife and share the first kiss of the rest of their new life. As she turns to face the crowd of family and friends no one catches the quick tear that falls from Leah's right eye. She gently and quickly wipes it away and places as sincere a smile as she can muster on her beautiful face.

No one catches it but the man standing out in the alcove of the church. This man had watched her from the crack in the doors and took notice of the slight bump in front of her dress as she said her vows. Taking one last longing filled look at her and he turned away from the true love of his life. The one he never fought for because he knew it was pointless. The one he had given himself to fully and without hesitation before he had been tied to the other half of his soul. The woman he had wanted to love and that he had loved until fate gave him a new purpose. Placing the note and a single blue rose on the vanity, Jacob walked out of the church with a heavy heart that he knew would lighten the moment he saw Renesmee. Was it fair for him to forget Leah so easily? No. Would he do it in order to keep her and Renesmee happy? Yes. Would he always love Leah? Yes, but he would always love Renesmee more. A fact they both knew all too well.

After countless photos, hugs and congratulations, Leah returned to the bridal suite to retrieve her bag so they can put it in the car before heading to reception hall. Picking up her lipstick from the side table she notices the rose. She doesn't have to question who it's from because she already knows. The only one who could ever know that the when she was 13 she had taken blue dye and a white rose and made a creation so unique it had become her favorite flower. Sitting down she reads the letter that for 3 years she had never given Jacob the opportunity to say. She wipes her eyes as she reads the last line, reapplies her mascara and picking up the rose and leaving the letter behind on the table, walks out the door and begins her new life with her husband and child. No longer relatively happy, but still on her way there.

"Never begins today Jake. I love you and I promised to love them more."

_XXXXXXX The Letter XXXXXXX_

_To my long lost love,_

_I used to think that time couldn't separate us. That the love we once had was eternal and could survive anything. The world was right. I remember staying up late at night and looking at the stars with you wishing the sky could just suck us up and take us to a new dimension where it was only us forever and ever. Where nothing could make us leave one another. But that never happened. Fate had other plans for me. I hung on to the hope that someday things would change and we would reunite. That someday you would come back and we could start over again as if nothing had happened, as if you had only gone to the store and come back. I've lived in a delusional existence for so long. I really don't know any more what is true and what is imaginary. The love I hold for you will always exist but it must stay hidden away like all the pictures I have of us. Placed in an old shoe box at the back of my closet where she will never find them. Whatever the truth may be the only thing I know now is that you aren't here anymore. You have to move on. This letter is more for me than you, and as selfish as it is I needed to let out my feelings and tell you that I once loved you and can no longer do it. I can't keep allowing my love for you and your love for me to cause you any more pain or guilt. I see you beating yourself up wondering what went wrong, if it was something you did or said, please know that if I could change it all I would but since I can't then I beg that you do your best to forgive and forget me. Perhaps I will pass you in a store one day or see you on some strange island. But honestly, I hope I don't recognize you or in a more honest sense I hope you don't recognize me and the love you once felt for me is replaced with that that you feel when you look into his eyes causes you not to notice me at all. I hope you go away and live a beautiful and joy filled life and forget all the places of our home that can hold memories for us. It's too painful to think about seeing you again. I don't you want to fall into this madness once more. I loved you, I will always love you but the truth is that my love for you is killing you. I would have done anything and gone anywhere for you. I would have given myself to you completely if it was meant for us and in those few precious moments that we shared, please believe me when I say I did give you everything I had. But that time has passed and it's too late. Goodbye my love, may you find the happiness that you deserve and that I could never give you._

_Please love me no more,_

_Jacob._


End file.
